Feelings as the creator
You, I, we are the ultimate creator. Some believe there is one Source, and we are the manifestation of that one source, so that it can have expression in physical form. Others believe that there is only us, we, it – that the world is a hologram existing from our perspective. I truly do not know which is true. Maybe they both are, maybe neither. But what I do know is that I my thoughts & mind generate my feelings and it is my feelings that generate my reality, such as it is.
I started out a Catholic. I’m sure I was a good one, but it only lasted until I was 7 or so when a babysitter decided I needed to be baptized in the font of her Baptist church. I was a good Baptist for a year or so, until my mother died. Then I became an atheist because in my sweet, innocent mind, no good god would take away a child’s mother.
I did the atheist thing until I moved in with a foster family. I don’t remember the type of church we went to, but it was the holly-roller type and I dutifully became a 12 year old born-again christian.
That lasted until I was 19 when I realized I was lesbian. The two worlds didn’t mix and I quickly became an atheist again. Same logic as before – what good god would make his daughter gay, if he hated it so. I had an experience of choking on a communion wafer during one hot, Sacramento summer, and I imagined god had forsaken me, and left the church.
As I write this, I realize for the first time that this has quickly become a model for the way I do relationships. The moment I feel disappointed by a friend or lover, I’ve abandoned the relationship. Interesting -This will change, but I digress.
In 1995, my eldest sister was diagnosed with bran cancer. I left my job in Sacramento to move to San Francisco to be her care-taker. While there, as she went through her surgery and treatment, I felt everything. The radiation pellets in her brain were in mine, her nausea was my nausea, etc. It made caring for her difficult. When I met the woman who would become my wife for the next 18 years, she told me I was an empath and to take classes.
I found myself enrolled in a Spirit Guide class at Berkeley Psychic Institute where I learned the basics of grounding and how to chat with a Healing Guide which is essentially a Being without a Body who wants to help you grow and learn for your sake, but mostly for it’s own growth. I was amazed that I was able to see one with my eyes closed, feel her healing and detect her presence.
Mind you, I was an atheist, though and through. There was no way that anything that wasn’t physical existed, at least in my mind. But there it was.
I learned how this being could plug into my hands and assist with removing energy that doesn’t belong to me, and much to my delight, other people as well.
As my sister got more ill, she went into a hospice. I needed to work, so I moved back to Sacramento to enter a vocational school, and my soon-to-be wife asked me to continue to take classes so we would have common ground in our marriage, so I completed the year long course at the Berkeley Psychic Institute of Sacramento. This was in 1997. I saw spirt, I saw that which I interpreted to be god. I was no longer an atheist.
For the last 18 years, I have searched for truth. Like many before me, I’ve listened to different thought leaders, meditated, didn’t meditate, I did countless healings and readings, abandoned my psychic practice, took it up again. I’ve done everything but drugs to find the thing that truly resonates with me as that which makes the world go around. I have preached many things. Through all this, there is one thing that has been a constant: my thoughts control my happiness.
I have been at the depths of despair, considered ending it all and been riddled with anxiety. I’ve been incredibly happy, esoterically so, sometimes in the same hour or minute. Throughout it all, there’s only been one constant. My thoughts. Am I believing stressful thoughts or am I questioning them? Am I choosing a different thought. If my thought about myself has made me feel anything but good, its a lie.
Right now, think of something about yourself that makes you feel less than good. Feel it, think of it. You notice that you feel sad, disappointed, hopeless. Now I’m going to ask you to do something that takes no thought. Your reply should be instantaneous. Ask yourself. “Is this true?” If the answer is anything else but no, leave me a comment and reach out , we have some work to do. Most likely the very first response is “no, this isn’t true.” Then your mind swoops in and changes the answer because it wants to believe badly about yourself. I don’t know why. So, now you are there. You’re feeling badly. You know this feeling, all generated by your thoughts! That’s it! Nothing else. So go the other way. Find something good about yourself. What makes you think that you’re the only person in creation who doesn’t deserve to be here?? Of course you do. You are kind, loving – there is something about yourself that is good. Find it, hold on to it. If you can’t think of something about yourself, find a thought that causes you to feel GOOD! Allow yourself to feel it and know that this is your reference point. You must love yourself, and you’ll get there, one step at a time. Start now. Make yourself feel better. With your thoughts. Now!
Now think about this same thing, but in the opposite.