We’re on our road, path, trail or 道 as it’s written in Japanese. But this road gets clouded by habits.
Some of these habits are physical. Some of you chew your nails, bite the inside of your lip or twirl to your hair. I tend to clench my jaw.
Habits come in the form of a pseudo spiritual behavior of either blaming or chastising God, or even giving God the glory.
Some of its mental such as complaining, seeing only the bad side, beating yourself up or criticizing others. What I’m really interested is the habits of the mind.
One could say that they are all mind based habits. The thoughts or feelings causing the behavior could be coming from a thought.
So on this journey I have really started to feel restless. I don’t have an income source, I’m using my savings to go on this trip and ‘find myself’ and I’m spending a lot of time alone. What I have noticed is emotional habits. Thoughts that keep me from being fully presents. Ideas that keep any sort of self compassion from flooding or even trickling in.
The last two days it was the belief that I’m not well liked, not attractive or successful. It shows up like this.
My friend is encouraging me and she typed in her text “ok, enjoy your trip!” and I think “oh, she’s done with me, I’ve bored her to tears with my fears and she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Fine, I’m not going to text again!”
This thought stirs up resentment, anger, and a sense of abandonment. There’s no room for compassion. This takes me into victim and there’s no compassion in being in victim state. So I’ve started apologizing to my inner self.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel safe right now. I’m so sorry your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be right now. I’m so very sorry you can’t trust your ability to forgive. ”
Once I’ve started to say I’m sorry, I notice that I relax a bit. My other habit of grinding, clenching and tightening my jaw, relaxes. I don’t feel so foolish AND it creates a safe space for me to check in with my friend. “Are you done with me today?, Do you think I’m foolish for feeling this way?” And because she’s my good friend she reassures me and another layer of tightness releases.
I get the same effect when I ground my body but sometimes the emotion is so high, I can’t find where I’m grounded. A their way I get relief is from is Hoʻoponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) which is said to be an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.
I Love You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank you.
And another way is to ask “what else is possible in this moment”?
With so many ways of clearing my emotional self, it still begs the question, why don’t I. Much like exercise, which my body loves, and writing, which my mind craves, doing the things that make me feel the best are often just beyond my grasp. So over the next few days, I will continue to clear and observe my habits and add the practice of profound and deep self-compassion and see where I end up. I’ll keep you posted! Peace, Paula.